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The Library of Time is an independent non-partisan institution located in the Murphyean System at Time Coordinates 0.0. The Library maintains a cosmic monopoly on temporal and non-temporal examples of the written word, and was founded expressly for the purpose of preserving and furthering universal thought. For more information on our history, and to find out about ways that you can help to foster our vision, please consult a librarian.
Readers are advised that some departments are accessible by appointment only, and that no Library materials corporeal, mental, or metaphysical may at any time be removed from the premises. All forms of temporal travel are forbidden within the bounds of the Library, and any attempts are punishable by disintegration. Severe no-mercy penalties apply to all other violations (for a complete list of rules and the Library Code of Conduct see Archive 4 598.387, Floor 25, Sections 1-2 909).
We thank you for your patronage, and trust that your experience here at the Library will be joyful, uplifting, and thought-provoking.
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Archive: 9 457.1
Document Number: 38 965
Item Type: Transcript, Recorded Message
Corporeal Form: Archived Message, Paper
Metaphysical Form: N/A
Significance: Message Transcript Prepared and Edited by Library Personnel, Message Recorded by Assistant Chief Librarian (Mara Van Helsing)
Category: Internal Library Affairs
Message Details
Location: Library of Time, 50th Floor, Boston Fine Furniture Wing, Radley Thorpes Memorial Head Office
Year: 23 41.5
Sender: Chief Librarian’s Office
Intended Recipient: East Murphy and Ikari Belt Police
Priority: Middling
Subject: Report of Theft
(Transcript Begins)
Is it that button?
Is it working? How can you tell? (inaudible). Oh, I see. Well, not really, but that’s your job.
Right. Greetings, salutations, et cetera. (I hope to God I don’t forget all of the corporate stuff).
My name is Mara van Helsing, Assistant Chief Librarian attached to the Library of Time, M. A. D. H., Us. C., Ph. D., A. R. D., and I probably got at least three of those wrong, but you are editing this, aren’t you?
Well, if you’re not, what are you good for?
Fine. And if he sends this in full I’ll put him in Half-Remembered Books for a month.
I would like to report a theft that took place at about 1900 hours, Belt Standard Time, on Thursday last.
As Assistant Chief Librarian, my duties include general supervision of the Library. I previously held posts in I. B. (Imagined Books) in the B. T. N. W. department. I mean the Books That Never Were Department. Never mind. As such, I was alerted to the theft, which occurred in wing A, section E, sub-section Classical Literature, sub-sub-section N, in the nineteenth century (I mean the nineteenth-century section, which according to the new dating system implemented by my predecessor Nicholas Gamble, the forty-second Assistant Chief Librarian, also includes works from what was formerly known as the twentieth century, though why it does I can’t imagine, because just think what the Victorians would say if they were mixed up with the Early Post-Modernists; it’s too horrible to contemplate), on the thirtieth floor.
Oh, I am obligated to tell you that this department is sponsored by Ravioli’s Anti-Grav Super Bubbly Chewing Gum. Blech.
(Inaudible.) This department contains books that were never actually written, but conceived by their authors in partial form. At approximately 1900 hours, Inspector Bucket by Charles Dickens was removed from the shelves (which is strange, because Edwin Drood’s been stolen almost five thousand times, but no one’s ever touched Inspector Bucket), along with The Curiosity of Father Brown by G. K. Chesterton and The Compendium of Idiots by the Inter-Hungarian war poet Bertram Collins. A complete list of the readers in the section at this time is available upon request, but we do not know at exactly what time the thief made their exit. The books were not reported missing until the next morning, when they failed to register in the system.
As you know, this is not an uncommon situation, but it is a volatile one.
Is that the right word? Volatile?
It must be, because our sponsors would die if they found out you could steal things from here so easily, not to mention the readers would have a field day. Don’t keep that in.
Anyway, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that with temporal travel as cheap and popular as it is, any traveler could stand to gain quite a lot by using Library materials in certain periods of history. We do our best to avoid this in the Library of Time, as we consider that we owe it to both our descendants and our ancestors not to spoil their dinners, as it were.
Ha, that was clever. Wasn’t it? Don’t look at me like that.
Moreover, I recall with much gratitude your successful recovery of the writings of Socrates last year, and Jane Austen’s Caroline four months ago.
With that in mind, a librarian will be waiting for you at the 42nd Entrance Hall from approximately 1500 hours this afternoon, under the Gunder’s Space-Ghetti advertisement. You won’t miss it. I am compelled to remind the police, for the 147th time since taking up this post, that sirens are not to be used in the vicinity of the Library. It upsets the readers greatly, as the policy within the bounds of the Library is Absolutely No Noise At Any Time, Unless in Extremity. The readers are sticklers for the rules, poor things.
No, you can edit that out.
I thank you, on behalf of the Library of Time, for your hard work and diligence that enable us to preserve so valuable an institution. I look forward to your arrival.
(Inaudible)
Pompous? Me?
(Inaudible)
Shut up. Now get me Peter, have him call Ravioli’s head office because this had better not get out and if it does –
(End of Transcript)
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